That Heartbreak is Not Your Ashes, But the Wildfire
Many of our world’s greatest pieces of art, literature, innovation and creation et al came about because of one cataclysmic event of one’s heart: an emotional fracture, commonly referred to as a heart break. From here on out, I’m going to refer to it as “the heartbreak,” because it is such an imperative moment in one’s life. True heartbreak is the strongest catalyst for intrapersonal change that anyone will ever experience.
In 2018, my heart broke. My little girl was forming in the womb and I was told I would not be the father figure. I fought this, so of course that did not become the reality of things. Today, I have 50/50 shared custody with her mother. But in 2018 and the following 2-3 years, the heartbreak was recurring. I did not learn from the first time it occurred, so I continued to let it happen repeatedly. The thing about recurring heartbreak at the hands of the same person is that it withers away at you a bit more each time. And when the final break occurs, when all of the self-sacrifice and muting of your emotions turns out to be for naught, the night is dark and full of terrors. Many people experience this absolute digestion of their own existence, wherein they lose 10-20 pounds, dissociate from the world and reality seems to crumble a bit. My point in telling that story is to cite my own experience on the topic, which really pushed me to daily research on the fallout and eventual recovery from heartbreak. The hope and happiness I found in my research made the bitterness dissipate.
When people hear about my broken home situation or whatever, they always say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” But in-turn I always say, “Don’t be. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” because it set me free and made me the kind of father I could have never been otherwise. It legitimately brings me joy to know that I do not have to exist in a miserable situation like that ever again. And to know how it changed me and allowed me to see things I had never seen before is so precious to me.
I refuse to make a phoenix metaphor in this composition, but you will never be the same after a heartbreak… if you recover in the right ways. Some people drown in terrible decisions and a series of really bad relationships in attempt to band-aid the gaping wound. Some people choose to understand more about what this life-event means for them, and how they can make the most of it. Many find a comfort in philosophy, meaningful literature, and self-improvement becomes a lifestyle for them. They get into fitness, a health focus, consistent disciplines and build themselves a small empire within their little world. I am not going to get into the unhealthy recovery cycle that people choose, because we are collectively choosing to be done with doing that. We are creating prosperity from our adversity and growing into something extraordinary (eventually.) If you suffer alone and allow the emotions to exist and die-off in their own timing, you will become very emotionally strong. You can’t try to escape what’s coming via alcohol, weed or sex. It’s only going to take you to very skeptical situations that cause negative self-talk. Stop distracting yourself and let yourself feel.
For me, my world was so crushed that the physical and emotional fallout was devastating to my health, career, relationships, and a lot of other things… until I realized that this just isn’t a man that my daughter could admire, and I would never want her to make these kind of choices in her eventual the heartbreak. I had no choice but to improve, and dig myself out of my own hole. I began to read a lot of non-fiction, and learn a lot from those that came before me. A lot of significance of a meaningful existence is lost in this American consumerist hellscape, and it can seem bleak when all you’re being fed in Kardashian Krap™ and whatever fake personas are being pushed on your Instagram feed. But to abstain, to break away from the hivemind and look for the kind of healing and inner peace found in meditation and knowledge is where the freedom lies. To study psychology and to understand what is really going on with you from a scientific standpoint is so very liberating. Heartbreak can seem like it’s all in our head and we are pathetic, but to understand the science behind it and its necessity helps validate your experience for you. Go watch a TED Talk on heartbreak, pain and recovery and you’ll find some hope. Continue down that path and you’ll find peace eventually.
Some of the most remarkable individuals in history have cited the heartbreak as what skyrocketed their career and ambitions. To prove others wrong? Sometimes. But most of the time, it’s because they’ve woken from the false pretenses that Hallmark creates about the world and love. Romance can be selfish and absorbent of what the world really needs more of: good people. My heartbreak made me a considerably more empathetic person, and helped me become more understanding of others and their struggles. But it also made me very bitter towards those that choose malice and disrespect. It made me hold those people more accountable for those things. It made my ambition and consistency grow tenfold, and it validated what I believe in, and made me stop putting myself on mute. The biggest foresight was understanding how many people are actually so very hurt, sad and disappointed in their existence, and that manifests itself in the way they treat you, and the things they will never do for you. This was another heartbreak, because it showed me how incredibly flawed my own parents and siblings are, and changing them is just not an option. That brings me to a very important point… you can’t change anything.
You can only change yourself. You cannot change the wind, the rain, the music in the restaurant, the temperature of your meat or the crisp of your salad. No matter how much you beg and plead, get hotter and dye your hair, that person will never change the way they see you. They are your ex-partner for a reason, and you should never revisit that under any circumstances. If you both go through with the breakup and the time pasts, leave it. You are breaking your own heart by even thinking it could work out. I don’t care about the Buzzfeed article you read on some couple that got back together after divorce or some other tiny exception. That’s highly likely to not be your situation. The odds aren’t in your favor, kid. Knowing you can only change you, and really taking it to heart, is such a freeing concept. You’ll spent exactly zero more minutes trying to influence others and investing all energy into becoming your very own 2.0. You’ll stop reaching out, and you’ll start reaching in. Stop listening to “coaches” telling you how to get your ex back. It will never be worth it. The denial stage will take some time to kill, but you will.
Once you accept this new reality, growth will come about. You will be lit aflame with a new understanding of reality, and growth will be your only focus. Your physique, career, health, and future prospects will firework into the night-sky like shooting stars. And honestly, your next partner will probably be a massive improvement over the last. When you are focused on positivity and good energy within your own self, you will begin to exert energy that people will be attracted to. You will begin to vibrate at a higher frequency, and people will take notice. But all of this requires a hunger to never be that low again. You will have to read tons of self-improvement books, talk with strangers, understand philosophy, and spend time in meditation on all of the meaningful information you will be absorbing. You will heal and grow, and your romance will no longer be with others but with your own legacy. You are the only one who’s going to save you from yourself. So maybe stop trying to find yourself in someone else? I don’t know—it’s just a thought.
William Thackery said, “To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.” But to me, losing someone else but gaining your Higher Self is the best trade-off to ever take place.
