The FUNERAL FOR THE DEAD RELATIONSHIP(S)

I’ve always heard the cliches about when you decide that you want more out of this life, friction will begin between you and those that do not want more. Recently in my personal life, I changed my number, deleted all social media, and changed much of my mission. I came to the epiphany that I had surrounded myself with people who hindered my mission, yet I relented each time and just assumed its how people are. I refer to this as a dead relationship, as it is unacceptable to claim this qualifies as something mutually beneficial or healthy for anyone. Once I realized one deserves better from others, many of those people had to go. We should all demand the bare minimum from people in our lives—for them to not treat us like garbage. Some piece of counterculture is very against “cutting people off,” but I think there’s partial truth to it. Let me explain.

I once knew someone who was a clear no go—he would estrange himself from his friends but then lived in a reality wherein others had caused it somehow. When someone decided to leave his life, even quietly, he would go out of his way to contact them and let them know that they were the ones who actually sucked and he was the good guy. But as everyone would see, he was the one who was being cut off… not others. Is this a scenario where “the ends justifies the means” applies? These people that are in such a deep mess of negative self, anger and delusion are the ones that get an F on the report card when evaluating who leaves and who stays. I once heard this person share that they are aware they self-sabotage, right before continuing to do it. It was always a cataclysm of petty dramas, even as he was over 30 years old. While someone who has empathy would see the clear psychological wounds that cause him to lash out, we cannot fix the wounds in others. To attempt to do so can be fatal. Unfortunately, these types of people have to go if you plan to reach your real potential.

To determine if someone is a puzzle piece that does not fit into your mission, you must study the relationship. To cut people off because you disagree with them, even if its more than once, seems to be an irrational decision, and an indicator of imbalance in one’s life. I think that once one has studied their relationship with said person, and finds that this person is actively contributing negatively to your life on a patterned-level, it is time to make a change. Be rid of the dead relationship. This obviously can be a friend, or it can be a relative—even a job. I’ve personally had to take part in distancing myself greatly in all scenarios. You cannot reach your growth potential while surrounded by people who hold you back and contribute to a negative introspective view. To grow, it already requires a daily battle between the self and the projected self—who you are working to become—without third party influences. When you have those contributing negative to how you evaluate yourself, the scales will tip towards your failure to grow.

A tale of the bully and their inevitable self-reckoning: a tale as old as time. I have a relative who has a very negative view of himself, that he consistently projects onto other people. This has made life awkward for his kids, but even they’re old enough to perceive the error in his code. During my entire childhood, he was an ever-present bully. He existed to torture me in some way on a daily basis. He lacked even an ounce of love or bond towards me, and actively chose to make my life very difficult growing up. He would hold me down and spit on my face, lock me in rooms, break my toys and laugh, shoot me with BB’s, and of course punch & hit me. I realized that as I was an adult, and chose a life of growth, that there was no place for someone who bullied me, even into adulthood. I wouldn’t want my daughter to tolerate this kind of treatment, either. Not in my household. In reality, nobody deserves that and it is not acceptable for anyone to have to endure that when their mind is developing.

Through his physical and emotional abuse, he attempted to project his dissatisfaction with his existence onto me. As we all began to have kids, however, I sought to not continue this pattern between my daughter and all of my relatives’ children. This relative, through frustration and a weird false ego, made considerate effort to rewrite history by claiming I had wronged him by not requesting his permission to see his children… my daughter’s close friends (& relatives) from birth. He didn’t attend any family events (his kids would attend with their mother), or really have relationships with anyone else, but he seemed angry that I would still see his kids in our shared city, at events, school, etc. He had such an intense possession over his children, that he saw them as a bargaining chip. I would buy them Lego sets every year for Christmas; he took great issue with this—even though I bought presents for every kid in the family. He claimed to be disrespected, though he was never present to be respected. He also believed that the childhood trauma he created for me has dissolved. I was like 6 years old, and he was like 16—its funny to think about. I also pity the children, as they will someday have to go through a lot of therapy due to having such an emotionally immature father. This reeked to me of personality disorder, but it really was none of my business. Smile and wave, boys.

“Something, something those who need to go to therapy don’t, so the people in their lives are forced to because of them.” This person’s intense incompetence in handling their personal issues turned them into a “creepy old man,” to quote my sibling. The pitfalls of a neglected mental health, or an overwhelming relent to narcissism, will ruin one’s life. I’ve watched it all around me, and even saw it some in my life—which caused me to pursue undoing what was forced onto me as a child.

Once one understands the depths of psychology and philosophy, the scenarios one finds himself in will truly become more interesting than wounding. One will understand that the people who lash out are doing so because of their deep wounds and inadequacy in themselves. One will also begin to pity them, as they are like a toddler screaming in the grocery cart in terms of emotional maturity. When one really gets control over his ability to not react, it becomes a science. The world is full of more lost people than those who find that they can do better.

Psychologically, the above scenario was very interesting to me. In my case, this relative had created such an anti-social persona, that he created this false reality that someone is out to get him. His ego loomed so large that he had managed to estrange himself, and he believed other people had caused it. Normal social interactions became some kind of a one-sided chess game to him. When the truth came out, even he eventually admitted to others that he messed up. Being so anti-social and paranoid, he lashed out through a tangible confrontation in front of his children, including profanity, in a public place: all over a paranoid, false reality of events. My parents apologized to me for his actions in their embarrassment, as their parental instincts kicked in to due to the child-like tantrum.

What this said to me is that his bullying looms so large on his conscience, especially as he has children of his own, he’s ashamed to now be a father with such a history of bullying a kid that was the same age as his kids. The questions that flooded his mind were highly likely to be: “What if someone bullied my children like that? Am I a bad person for tormenting a child?” Anything not to go to therapy, I suppose. I felt like a researcher, studying why the monkey in the zoo throws his own poop around his own enclosure. He still has to live there, you know.

People slip into delusion at times to justify their out-of-control behavior. When the truth comes out, however, and none of it is true… its devastating to these individuals. To be humiliated by them is to invoke narcissistic rage. The road of growth can be a lonely one, as people realize they no longer have control over you, and that you will eventually outgrow and outpace who they are. People will also be angry at you for finding the discipline and self-worth to get the things done that they can’t even convince themselves to start. They see you as competition, getting ahead while they lay in the dust.

In the end, it’s all worth it to pursue better. Life is short enough to further shorten it by dealing with the emotional catastrophes that some people choose to be. Because remember people, it’s a choice not to get the help you need. You are the biggest help you’ll ever need; but outside observers can also set you right in understanding that you’re actually doing great. Choosing not to be a wholly inconvenient emotional volcano of a person—ala Michael Scott—is certainly a step towards greatness. The bar is low, people.

When you begin to choose the more, instead of the less, life will begin to filter those who do not want you to have the more. They will want you to have the less, right next to them or below them. Don’t - your future kids, family and legacy demands better.

SJ ROBERTSON

Dad, outdoorsman, washed-up author on a comeback.

https://www.reflectandreason.com
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MASTERY OF THE MIND, PT. 1

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