A Lighthouse Named Sarah
The biblical concept of a savior is one that is deeply embedded in our world at large. If you scroll band pages popular in the 2010s, you’ll find a plethora of comments reading “this band saved my life!!” And while its fun to poke at a bit, some of that stuff is very, very real and not just teenage angst & drama. Many people were subjected to mentally condemning trauma at too young an age, which made them want to end their lives (and these days, it has evolved to them ending other people’s lives). Often the emotional depth expressed in lyrics speak to people who have been burdened with a difficult past, even at a young age. It is honorable to be a beacon of identification for people who have struggled, especially children who feel they have no worth. No matter the circumstance, people feel emotions in a powerful way, and some are predisposed to feel it even deeper. They are valid.
Many of the prison systems throughout the world are full of adults who were neglected, abused children and therefore never had a damn chance at controlling their emotions or even becoming a functional adult. Many of them would tell you in moments of deep vulnerability that they just wanted to be loved, and they were denied that—as an innocent child. And I mourn for them, because for most of my life I was the same. And no matter the thoughts of those around me over the years, I do not condemn myself for being who I was because of my circumstances, and neither should you. Your brain chemistry is manipulated too deeply by others to feel you are entirely responsible for the emotional rises you experience. As children, we are victims of those who are older than us who mistreat us. And it is not childish or “feminine” to understand the scientific facts surrounding how our brain is deeply effected under trauma. As children, it drastically effects our development. Many people do not deserve the right to have children.
Most of my life was repeating the same relationship with highly narcissistic people, in subconscious recreation of my relationship with my parents and siblings. And here’s where I need to clarify something: therapists and clinical psychologists/psychiatrists will say that a true narcissist is pretty rare—they are not nearly as common as everyone makes it seem in current discourse. Here’s what I strongly believe this statements means: true individuals with NPD, or Narcissitic Personality Disorder, are indeed rare. It seems to me that when we tell these mental health professionals that someone is a narcissist, they hear someone who has NPD. And yes, there is a Diagnostic Manual for diagnosing personality disorders and conditions which give clear guidelines on if someone can be diagnosed with said disorder. However, I asked a therapist once about her thoughts on this and she said this: you can possess a myriad of narcissistic personality traits—which are truly just someone who is overtly self-interested—and not be a full blown narcissist or someone who has NPD. In fact, almost all of us possess some narcissistic personality traits, especially in American society. These traits are amplified by the rise of social media and effortless curating of content to feed the ego, which is why it seems to have grown so significantly in recent years. I fully dismiss the argument that social media only “exposed” what was already there. Social media exposed AND majorly gave rise to these traits in people who are already that way. And thus the Professional Narcissist was born—or the “Instagram model.”
I feel I’ve lost the plot here, but you know I just write wherever my brain goes. Heres the meat and potatoes: I would not be the man or father I am today if it were not for a woman named Sarah. In fact, I may not be alive. I met Sarah when I was in a spot of attempting to recover from severe narcissistic abuse. If you’ve ever experienced this, it is basically the waterboarding of your psyche. You drown for years in a terrible thought-cycle that causes you to feel no worth. It sucks. The person I experienced this from was the “final boss” of the highly-narcissistic people I had met for so much of my life, as I am codependent-coded and they tend to find us. Sarah was the first person I have ever been close with who was a true empath, with little to no narcissistic traits. She is the second most important person I have ever met in my life, just right behind my daughter in first. Sarah was the perpetual “walker” I needed to get a true perspective of life and to understand what it is to be loved by someone. In many ways, I say this is the first time I was truly loved by someone aside from my daughter: the biblical kind of love that is not veiled malevolence and distraction, but is loyalty and support and heartfelt and obvious.
Sarah has become to me like the red lettering in the bible. She healed wounds within me that were tracing back to my childhood, purely through her support and reassurances. She helped me realize that I am worthy of being loved and achieving everything I want to achieve. Because of her, I was able to grow as a father and to heal my emotional wounds that had to be addressed before I could have full vulnerability and patience with my daughter. She took match and gasoline to the mess that I had carried for so long. To quote a cliche, Sarah has a heart of gold and everyone around her knows it. I am incredibly lucky to know her. While our romance did not lead to it being forever, her love and character will be felt by my grand children, and their grand children. Sarah saved me in ways that I did not think I could ever be saved. She was, and is, my lighthouse.
I’ve always said: everyone needs a Sarah—and I hope you find one too. She will hold up a perpetual mirror to your soul and show the good parts, while the bad fades away. In some ways this kind of person in your life can feel like divine intervention, because it’s what you’ve always quietly prayed for. We can help to heal ourselves, but it can take a couple of lifetimes if someone never shows us the good things that we actually possess despite our internal monologue. Her effect on my life has also inspired me to be intentional in helping others with this task too. So many people are too “busy” for others or lack the interest because it’s not directly about them—so they avoid helping others out of their own pitfalls, though it is so easy and so desperately needed everywhere. It is honorable to remind those of the good things they are really doing, even if they seem obvious. It is honorable to help others see that their efforts are noticed and chronicled by progress and impact. I have a coworker who I always like to remind her of how good she is at her job, and its been amazing to watch her grow just from those intentional conversations. She’s come back to me and said it changed her whole perspective and she’s not going to quit because she got caught up in thinking she sucks; she’s going to stick it out and continue to grow. She’s expressed that she’s “gotten in a groove” and is working even better. That’s really all it takes some times.
One of my oldest friends calls it “being a light for others.” It is to be angelic in some way, as the encouraging words you give to someone else may be the thing that keeps them moving forward. It can sit at the forefront of the brain, as a kind of shield maiden against the bombardment of chemical imbalances and malevolent people that are forcefully tolerated in one’s life. It can take one sentence of support to pull one out of a void.
To support and help others is the only purpose for our lives; we must take it seriously and help others not drown in their own ocean of overthinking and doubt. Remind them of all the good things they really are, even if it seems obvious. If we slowed down and were more intentional in our support and kindness to others, we would see a drastic decline in mass shootings. These mass shootings occur because of wounds that grow so deep in the perpetrators, that they need to hurt others in order to make their voice heard. They need others to feel the kind of pain they have felt in their lives, often at the hands of their parents and peers. If we chose to be more Sarah than selfish, we could save hundreds of thousands of lives. To be a lighthouse for others is the ultimate selfless undertaking.
